Memorial website in the memory of your loved one
His legacy
Lessons Learned from Josh  

Although Josh never got to breathe our air ,Rob and I feel we both have so much to learn from him and this experience. The one thing we are certainly clear on is the lesson of strength~as individuals,as a couple and as a family. We have had many rides on these waves in the ocean of life. However, the death of our baby Joshua has been more of a Tsunami. As we pick up the pieces of our lives,we will continue to draw strength from this experience as we also figure out other lessons yet to be learned. 

Before you can see
the rainbow,
you must first survive the storm.

One can never know true joy without the experience of knowing true pain.

Perhaps they are not stars in the sky,
But rather openings where our loved ones shine down to let us know they are happy.
~Eskimo Legend

"Tears are not the pain. They are the healing" -- Dr. Annette Goodheart



5/23/07
Well, today is 3 months since Josh was born to God. Another big lesson that we have learned is that sometimes people that you think are your friends are really nothing but strangers.It's sad really to find that after years of giving your friendship to someone that they turn their back on you when you need them the most.These friendships are ruined and not all the I'm sorry's in the world could ever restore what once was.Not after a tragedy like this!But then maybe I'm just bitter right now and in time my feelings on this will change. On another note, sometimes strangers become great friends and that in itself can be very healing and extremely comforting!
Josh~ You are deeply missed! OUR LOVE for YOU is NEVER ENDING!!

6/27/07
The Pit
The day my child died, I fell into the pit of grief. My friends watched me struggle through daily life, waiting for the person I once was to arise from the pit, not realizing "she" is gone forever.

The pit is full of darkness, heartache and despair, it paralyzes your thoughts, movements and ability to ration. The pit leaves you forever changed, unable to surface the person you once were.

Some of my pre-grief friends gather around the top of the pit, waiting for the old me to appear before their eyes, not understanding what’s taking me so long to emerge. After all, in their eyes, I've been in the pit for quite sometime. Yet in my eyes, it seems as if I fell in only yesterday.

Not all of my pre-grief friends are gathered around the top of the pit. Some are helping me with the climb out of the darkness. They climb side by side with me from time to time, but mostly they climb ahead of me, waiting patiently at each plateau. Even with these friends I sometimes wonder if they are also waiting for the pre-grief me to magically appear before their eyes.

Then there are the casual acquaintances, you know the ones who say, "Hi, how are you?" when they really don't care or really want to know. These are the people who sigh in relief, that it is my child who died and not theirs. You know...the "better them, than me" attitude.
My post-grief friends (and a rare pre-grief friend) are the ones who climb with me, side by side, inch by inch, out of the pit with me. They are able to reassure me when I need reassurance, rest when I need resting, and encourage me to move forward when I don't have the strength. They have no expectations, no memories and no recollection of how I "should" be. They want me to get better, to smile more often and find joy in life, but they also accepted the person I've become. The "person" who is emerging from the pit

Author Unknown
I found this to be very appropriate ~ I couldn't have said it better myself! 

8/10/07
Well, time keeps on ticking on. I haven't written anything in awhile. I have to say that my feelings about friends being there or not being there have changed. I mean,ya know, people just don't know what to say or do and I really can't hold that against them. So, there may be things I wish some of my friends and family did differently but I don't feel bitter about any of it anymore.I also don't feel like I've been in the pit for awhile now.Sometimes I teeter on the edge every now and again but I think that's to be expected. Anyway, Josh's headstone has finally been placed and it has brought me a little more closure to know that his resting place is complete except for some nice grass around it. I think about Josh everyday, I have my crying episodes every day for a few minutes here and there and I find that if I go a few days in a row without crying,it builds up and comes out in somewhat of a burst but I always feel better after a good tear shedding. I miss my baby,I miss him as much as I love him!  Well, that's all from me for now ~until next time. 

10/23/07
Well, where do I start... Today is Josh's 8 month angelversary. I do still cry everyday even if just for a minute or two. Sometimes there are still days that all of this seems like a dream,Like it just can't be real but unfortunatly,it is real and this is now my life. I had to bury my child ,my beautiful son! I go to the cemetary every weekend to visit his resting place. I'm lonely.I've never been so lonely in my life. I own this feeling~it's mine and mine alone.The grief and lonliness can be overwhelming but I pull through.I have to and I want to.I have a lot of really good days but there are those days that I just want to scream~scream my brains out! No one else feels the pain and sorrow like I do.I was the only one who got to have a bond with Joshua.I miss him so much! He was a true blessing. I don't know why God called his name. I would like to think that God just had bigger and better plans for my boy but I do sometimes question whether or not God is trying to punish me. I can't imagine what I could have done to deserve something this horrible.Ok, maybe that's my irrational mind thinking that thought.I just have a hard time wrapping my head around it all. I don't know what the next step is supposed to be. How do I remove myself further from this grief? Is it just more time? Do I try again for another baby? ~Geez, that's a big question there and one I don't have an answer for today. 
Forever loving and missing my son,
Beth
Gathering Flowers for the Masters Bouquet
Death is an angel sent down from above
Sent for the flowers and the lilies we love
Surely it's so, for in heaven's own way
The soul is a flower of the Master's bouquet 

Gathering flowers for the Master's bouquet
Beautiful flowers that will never decay
Gathered by angels and carried away
For ever to bloom in the Master's bouquet 

We must be faithful till life's work is done
Blooming away in the warmth of the sun
But everybody needs blossom some day
We'll bloom as the flowers in the Master's bouquet

Gathering flowers for the Master's bouquet
Beautiful flowers that will never decay
Gathered by angels and carried away
For ever to bloom in the Master's bouquet

Alternate version:
Death is an angel sent down from above
Sent for the buds and the flowers we love
Truly so, for in heaven's own way
We're only the flowers in the Master's bouquet

Gathering flowers for the Master's bouquet
Beautiful flowers that will never decay
Gathered by angels and carried away
For ever to bloom in the Master's bouquet

Loved ones are passing each day and each hour
Passing away as the life of a flower
But everybody needs blossom some day
We'll bloom as the flowers in the Master's bouquet 

Gathering flowers for the Master's bouquet
Beautiful flowers that will never decay
Gathered by angels and carried away
For ever to bloom in the Master's bouquet

Let us be faithfull till life's work is done
Blooming like flowers till the reapers now come
Then we'll be gathered together some day
And planted to bloom in the Master's bouquet 

Gathering flowers for the Master's bouquet
Beautiful flowers that will never decay
Gathered by angels and carried away
For ever to bloom in the Master's bouquet

12/23/2007
It's been 10 months today since you came silently into our world. I miss you so much. Christmas is in 2 days ~ I wish so much that I was buying you presents and not hanging memorial ornaments from our tree and decorating your gravesite . Although I'm happy to be doing these things for you , I just wish so much that things were different. I wish you were here with me physically and not just in my heart. I got an early Christmas present this year and I'd like to think that maybe you sent it to me~that maybe you picked the best brother or sister for Matt and Zac and asked God to send her/him to us right away. Don't worry, you'll never be replaced. I'll always long for you my dear Joshua. I love you so much. MERRY CHRISTMAS IN HEAVEN MY SWEET ANGEL! You truely are forever loved and missed. HUGS & KISSES!!! XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO!!!!!! 
All My Love, Mommy!

2/23/08

To my Sweet baby Joshua~

It's hard to believe that 1 year has gone by already. There's not a day that goes by that your not thought about,loved and missed. This day last year was the hardest,most earth shattering day of my life. Having to say hello and goodbye at the same time was heart wrenching. I so much wish that things were different but ,I have come to accept fully that this,life without you here on earth, is the reality that I have to live with.I will always do everything I can to keep your memory alive.  We'll be coming to the cemetary today. We're going to release balloons to the heavens for you in honor of you and your birthday and then we'll all be going out for dinner. You are so very loved and missed!! Happy 1st Birthday in Heaven My Sweet Joshua!!!

Hugs&Kisses&All My Love!!!

~Mommy

2/23/09

Hello Josh!  It's been 2 years today since you arrived silently into our world. My heart aches for you. I miss you so much and I love you even more. I miss everything that you never got to do. Your baby sister and your older brothers are such a blessing but sometimes I feel like it's a sad reminder of all I lost with you.  There will never be a day that goes by where I don't think of you. Sometimes I think of you and cry and other times I think of you and smile.  I will always wish that things were different,always wish that you were here with me. I wonder what you would look like, I imagine you running around with your brothers having such a good time,I imagine your laugh and your cry, what your voice would sound like saying ,"Mommy" or "Daddy" . Oh how I wish I could of gotten to experience you and the life you would of had outside my womb.

I love you sweet baby. Always will! Happy 2nd Birthday in Heaven sweetheart. 

All My Love,Hugs and Kisses!

~Mommy

 


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